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WHEN, WHAT, HOW
Q: When does a person
decide to become a Safety Manager?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.
Q: What do safety Managers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities
Q: How can you tell an extroverted safety Manager?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your safety shoes instead of his own
TWO KINDS
There are two kinds of Safety Guys, those that know the law and those that know the judge.
“Safety Managers: persons who write a 10,000 word document and call it a brief.”
-- Franz Kafka
Any time a Safety Manager is seen but not heard, it’s a shame to wake him.
WORD PROCESSOR
Have you heard about the Safety Managers’ word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
WINE CELLAR
What do you get if you put 100 Safety Managers in your basement?
A whine cellar.
PREGNANT
How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future Safety Manager?
She has an extreme craving for baloney.
How many Safety Managers can you place on the point of a needle?
Ten, if you make them stand on their heads.
How many Safety Managers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One: the Safety Manager holds it while the rest of the world revolves around him.
What do Safety Managers and sperm have in common?
Only one in two million ever does anything worthwhile.
What do you call a Safety Manager gone bad?
A Politician
What do you get when you cross a librarian with a Safety Manager?
All the information you need—but you can’t understand a word of it.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a Safety Manager?
An offer you can't understand.
What is the definition of a Safety Manager?
A mouth with a life-support system.
What's the difference between a Safety Manager and a vampire?
Vampires only suck blood at night.
What’s the difference between a Safety Manager and a boxing referee?
A boxing referee doesn’t get paid extra for a longer fight.
What’s the difference between God and a Safety Manager?
God doesn’t think he’s a Safety Manager.
Why are Safety Managers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled.
And when they land, they screw up everything forever.
BULLETIN
The Health and Safety Executive (HSE) has determined that the maximum safe
load capacity on my rear end is two persons at one time, unless I install
handrails or safety straps. As you have arrived sixth in line to ride my
rear end today, please take a number and wait your turn.
Thank you!
Police visit
A police safety officer was visiting a primary school in a
particularly tough area of Glasgow.
"Why shouldn't you touch the oven door or the kettle ?" he asked the
assembled class.
A young girls hand shot into the air.
"Because you might leave fingerprints" she answered.
Costume Party
A safety officer went to a costume party with a girl on his back. "What are
you supposed to be?" the host asked. "I'm a snail," the safety officer
replied. The host raised his eyebrows. "How can you be a snail when all
you've got is that girl on your back?" "That's not a girl," the safety
officer replied. "That's Michelle."
Fire Drill
A voice on the office loudspeaker announced:
"We will be testing the speaker system to make sure it will work properly in
case of emergency."
My confidence in this safety precaution faded when the voice added:
"If you are unable to hear this announcement, please contact us."
Road map
Q: How do you drive a Safety Officer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the
wrong way.
Phonetic Alphabets
While working as a health and safety officer, I arrived at an accident
scene, and the safety manager arrived just behind me. As I parked the car, I
heard a security guard on the intercom using the radio phonetic alphabet to
alert the site manager.
"Be aware that the Hotel Alpha Sierra Oscar has arrived," he said.
I approached the security guard, looked him in the eye and said,
"You might be surprised to know that some of the Hotel Alpha Sierra Oscar’s
can Sierra Papa Echo Lima Lima."
Bonus
Our company offers a bonus award for employee ideas that improve safety,
quality or performance. A co-worker noticed there was a power switch
suspended 16 feet over our machinery. He suggested that a chain be attached
to the switch, allowing it to be pulled for quick shut-off in an emergency.
The suggestion went through channels and was rejected. One reason given was
that "the chain might be pushed up one day, accidentally turning the power
switch on."
COSHH A woman was killed from chlorine gas poisoning when she mixed Harpic and Domestos together in a confined space. She had inadvertently created the same conditions as experienced by the soldiers during a gas attack in the trenches of the First World War
Dentist
The cap of a man’s tooth fell out so he
phoned the dentist to ask if it could be replaced.
“Yes,” said the dentist, “but it will cost you £75.”
“No way,” said the man and went off to buy a 50p tube of superglue and stuck
the cap back carefully. He woke up in hospital. Superglue contains a cyanide
chemical.
Electric Shock
Two workmen were digging foundations when one of them started shouting and
jumping about . The other one thought his partner had hit an underground
power cable and was being electrocuted so following good h&s practice used a
shovel to separate him from the electricity . Luckily for the first worker
he wasn't getting an electric shock but was panicking after a wasp had flown
up his trousers (well wouldn't you panic). Luckily he didn't get stung but
the second worker hit him so hard with the shovel that his shoulder was
dislocated .