Public Restrooms

When you're out and about, and you use a public restroom, you expose yourself to infinite chances of danger. This is why it is your responsibility to know your restroom, plan ahead, and take action. Even if you're in there for only 5 minutes, you've got to protect yourself! And I will show you how.

BEFORE ENTERING THE RESTROOM

Only enter a public restroom that has either a "MEN"/"WOMEN" sign on it. Signs that say "BOYS"/"GIRLS", "LADS"/"LASSES", "PRINCES"/"PRINCESSES", etc., are actually signs of extreme danger. You may not fit any of those characteristics, and the room behind that door may not be for you.

After observing the sign, announce to as many bystanders as possible that you're going in. This will make them aware that you're in danger if it strikes, and you will be rescued that much quicker.

Thoroughly check every nut, bolt, and screw for every fixture in the restroom. Also check the plumbing. It would be a shame to die under the collapse of a toilet stall or to the sink falling off the wall.

Wear a gas mask. The most common stenches of a typical restroom are cigarette smoke and poop gas. You don't need to breathe that stinking filth.

Wear protective gloves. You must be prepared for the germs that await you beyond that door.

Have a popsicle stick handy. The soap in the dispensers may be toxic. Dispense the liquid soap onto the popsicle stick to test for safety. If the popsicle stick does not melt, then the soap is safe for human skin.

Remember to bring your own roll of toilet paper. The restroom toilet paper could be tainted with poison ivy coating or acid spray.

WHILE IN THE RESTROOM

If you must enter a restroom that has windows, make sure the windows serve well as privacy windows. Make sure they're glazed in some way. You don't need to put up with people outside watching as you do your duties.

Upon entering the restroom, spray a can of anti-bacterial air freshener everywhere! Use the whole can.

If there are others in the restroom with you, make little noise as possible. Refrain from sighs and moans of relief, and zip your pants quietly. You don't want to draw attention.

Do not talk to anyone in a public restroom. He/she could be a serial killer, a druggie, or a cannibal.

Before using a toilet or urinal, check it for the transparent manufacturer sticker (such as American Standard, Kohler, or Toto). Otherwise, do not use it! That toilet or urinal could be a fake.

If the toilet seat is black, don't sit on it. You'll never notice if the person before you covered it in oil or shoe polish to try to pull a prank on you.

Thoroughly check the restroom for explosive devices. It would be pathetic being blown up with your pants down.

Stay away from the mirror. Do not look in the mirror. Chances are it may not be you.

Do not unzip your pants until you're at the urinal. You don't need to expose your dinker to other restroom users.

Before entering a toilet stall, note the size of the gap between the stall door and the frame. If the gap is wider than half an inch, do not enter the stall. Anyone can peek through that gap and get an eyeful.

If someone walks in while you're in a toilet stall, don't panic. Sit still and shut up! Hold your breath until the person leaves. This will save you from their toxic fumes, and it it will also hide your paranoia.

Do not use sinks or urinals which have proximity sensors. Those are obvious bomb triggers waiting to go off.

After using restroom facilities, always wash your hands - even while wearing the protective gloves.

UPON EXITING

Carry a clipboard and paper to write a personal review of the restroom. Write details about your experience that may help you on your next visit. Number every restroom you enter and keep it documented at home. Most importantly, summarize your notes with an official "Safe/Not Safe" rating.

Tell bystanders about your experience with that particular restroom. Warn them of any safety hazards they may expect. It would be pathetic for anyone to die doing their doody.

If at all necessary, produce a monthly restroom newsletter for your community.

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